retrograde

sometimes (most of the time) it feels good to have a reason to feel, act, or think the way we do. some all knowing higher power (god/gods/g-d/etc) or insurmountable influence (society) or someone you respect telling you what to do (mom). 

for me, right now, that is mercury.

people who believe in crystals and auras believe that when mercury is retrograde, the world is askew, spinning slightly off its’ axis, things happening exactly as they should not. i just googled it and i still have no idea what mercury being retrograde ACTUALLY means.  (i did learn that the proper grammar is “mercury IS retrograde” NOT “mercury is IN retrograde”)

but i have been blaming shit on mercury for-e-v-e-r. up until a week ago, when mercury clapped the fuck back and said not today, sista. own your mistakes. on the same day, the *stars aligned* and tequila lauren showed up to party and shit hit the fan. i missed almost all of a concert i had been looking forward to for months, lashed out at someone i hardly know, and spilled rehydrated beans all over my best friend’s car. i know, i hate me too. 

in the aftermath of what can only be described as a shitshow, i realized several things. first, i should drink more water and less alcohol. second, i am an asshole. but the real deal, true blue, youcantavoidthisanymore thing that i realized was that i hadn’t processed the loss of someone i had been convincing myself i didn’t miss for over a year. 

there are good people, and there are bad people. there are really, truly, far less bad people in the world than we let ourselves believe. the world is hardly ever as simple as good and bad— that privilege is reserved exclusively for christian bale movies and cheese (always good, never bad.) but when it comes to people, there are a number of good people that we just meet at the wrong time. it doesn’t make them bad, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less when they let us down, or when our relationships with them fall apart because we want different things from each other.

it’s hard, and it hurts, and it sucks. you wonder if you were wrong for them or if you were just wrong. in my experience, it’s a little of both. but one day you’ll get to a place where it hurts a little less, and then one day, not at all. and you’ll sit down at your kitchen table and write about it because that’s how you process it. or you’ll go for a run and sweat it out, or maybe you won’t do anything because you’re a grown adult who understands how relationships work and nothing is forever and life is fleeting. 

we’re all different. maybe you got there faster than me. maybe you need tequila and some quasi-science bullshit like mercury retrograde to get there. maybe you’re more of a whiskey person. i don’t know you. my point is, you’ll get there. and it will feel great. after the hangover.